listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I color on your dick again?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize