it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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