you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
