Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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