you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
