Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
