No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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