Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
