I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
