before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
