So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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