Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
