Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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