yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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