Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
