meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
