you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like a drive thru vagina
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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