I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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