Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up under a house in Key West
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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