he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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