dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
