If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
