Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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