My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize