is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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