seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
