Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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