the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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