:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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