Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
