I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize