So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I want to have your abortion
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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