my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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