I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
