if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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