Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
