Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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