So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
