How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
