He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
