I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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