Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
