I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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