Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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