??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize