do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
