I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
