The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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