You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
