Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize