I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
