Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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