do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
