We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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