apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Enjoy the penises
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
