My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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