The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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