i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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