So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize