i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
