Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
