I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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