my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
